x ray photo booth mac book, exhaustion, upset

flashbacks,

personal diaspora 

want to reclaim that things I lost or were stolen, taken from me

and reclaimed or not 

 let go, let go

so much beauty and creativity prefer to take up space in my head,

  how ironic my innocence is on automatic reset just my nature,

dared to believe in the goodness, disappointed,

a lot,

 but our country believes in redemption, 

me too.

still haunted by betrayals, lies and abuse ,

allowed to go on 

why?  you can read i dare to speak up and clearly it was an attempt to shut me up and shut me down but it is their bad karma.    suppose to be a silent barbie doll,

suppose to spend all my time worrying about being thinner 

suppose to spend all my money to look pretty and shut up -- don't use my brain,

barbie doesn't have a brain, they want me to be a barbie doll,

have barbie doll eyes and don't see, only talk when they pull the string,

 I would ask how can they live with themselves but they seem to have no problem.  One pathetic person tried to hurt me and my Dad and after his cruel deed I asked him to hold the elevator for me

 -- I actually did not see  at first who was in the elevator, just rushing to catch a ride.

 how ironic and I thanked him.  I told him how much I appreciated him holding the elevator for me.   His little girl was in the elevator.  This very rich man hung his head, shook his head and said "no problem, no problem".  He hung his head and could not look me in the eyes as if he understood he had a lot to be ashamed of.  He was not the worst of the bunch and one of the worst was a woman...

When I get hurt, I have learned after the fact,

I am one of many causalities.

Feel so badly more my Dad because he almost died last year because of doctors mistakes including opening the wrong side and I have never been in trouble, never even a detention in school ever.  Just makes you realize how precious family is.  Think of Tina Negron and Adrienne Shelly, women from my neighborhood where I lived for 25 years, silenced forever.

It is not easy being a woman in NYC. 

 I have been robbed of a lot and my basic human rights were violated as far as I am concerned.

water came through the ceiling last night brings flashbacks of a far bigger water pipes busting above me so glad to be free of the assessments that will be coming 

another new wave that will hit New York's community members that are just barely hanging in and will be pushed out, people don't seem to count them because they are not poor but

many buildings were run just like the city -- and if you are not very rich and can't make the assessments that will come you will be forced out,

I fear  more lives taken more displacement because of medium to large infrastructure breaks  because of this way too rapid  development,  excerpt of Murderville -- I ask if a massive infrastructure break is how the murdered woman's body will finally be found...you know why she is murdered, murder is the ultimate silencer.

drunk people woke me up, water coming down from a light fixture stressed me out, no blinds, no time warner which means no internet, friends call me up and tell me don't donate,
take care of me.


same with the rise in bills for just about everything, where will people move to,
where have they all gone as mega retail chains and rich people from all over move here as if they are playing a role in a tv show filmed here, constantly filming here and we ain't feeling the trickle down from all the films and tv being film here -- just the push out...maybe hollywood will figure it out when there is no more New York City to film -- when we look exactly like every other city.

i have so many canvases i have to take out of storage and
store in my home,
i didn't want people lacking passion and depth to have my work,
every artist has a story about being taken, i was and of course my story is one of the more unusual ones, so sad because karma served justice and as usual i was right on it and was ignored and there are more causalities

have to focus on the beauty and goodness and there is so much around me, around the city, that makes the city so magnificent despite the bad make over of mirrored sky piercing buildings,

a narcissist's wet dream.

love the mosaic of people in NYC the beautiful children the trees we need so many more trees

mother natures way to combat so many of the city's many problems like pollution and flooding.

Every dog has their day, every dog has their day,

so tired, no way I could donate my platelets this week.

no way.

My friends call me up and tell me to take care of me.