self portrait i phone waiting to see Gonzo movie, too tired and sweaty

When the "traumatic events" that started last year began, just like after 9-11, I couldn't seem to go to a movie and sit through it (most are crap but that isn't why) and focus.  I have not been to a film in so long that I was surprised to see the price is now $12.00 and dealing with the move and what feels almost like flash backs have me stressed and I had to leave and go home.

I went to see the film on Hunter Thompson "Gonzo" and I thought it was self conscious opening with it's political agenda and one of the first images you see are the WTC towers being hit and you see a fireman and than you see policemen.   I remember where I was standing when I first saw the towers and the plane creating a gaping burning hole...12th Street by University Place.

 I felt angry at the film makers and I thought to myself these were images seen around the world and to date the heroism of our rescue workers, the largest loss in our country's history have been erased at the WTC site all these years, fire houses closed,  some rescue workers dying slow deaths but I couldn't even fully feel my feeling with what felt like  being assaulted with the images of the  towers, I wanted to cry for a moment, didn't,  the film makers wouldn't give you a chance to feel because the film was made to flog you with politics and Johnie Depp reads it all to you including passages from the Hells Angels book. 

We were told before the film to stay and listen to Hunter Thompson's personal assistant talk to us and obviously I did not and why would I.    The first few people interviewed are Sonny Barger, Thomas Wolfe who admits using some of Hunter Thompson's tapes/video? of the Hells Angels for his book although one act recorded Hunter stated was a gang rape but he also stated everyone was on acid except him, his wife and they had the baby sleeping in the car.  After Thomas Wolfe, I kid you not, they showed Jimmy Carter.

Hunter's first wife talks about seeing him cry twice and once was after the Democratic Convention seeing the police beat the living day lights out of people.  He cried and he said the beatings were far worse than any the Hells Angels doled out.

I found it all somehow pretentious and thought it must be nice to be part of the "club" that helped him with his career like what's his name Jann Wenner from Rolling Stone.    Rolling Stone is not touching any issues regarding the community crushing tsunami of development...nothing that I am aware of.

 At this stage I would die of a heart attack if I got support I deserved...the club doors open.  *For those who might not get it, the club is my mocking term for this elite group.  I will delete the unflattering words but they are the reason real deal independent films, underground magazines arise in response to the club.  After rejecting you, they eventually they come to you and gobble you in to the mainstream.  If they can't murder you by excluding you than they consume you which seems like another form of killing you.

I just had to walk out.

I think I am in the throws of post traumatic stress and I just wanted to get home to my cats.  They are older and half blind each.  The older one, the little female is complicated and sometimes she burrows under the blankets and sleeps as if to say she can't take anymore stimulus and she needs to have her very own space to rest and not be disturbed.  I understand.

I have seen the Hells Angels motorcycles and at this stage in my life I do think they are the most beautiful.  The images of the skulls grinning and  laughing at death are beautiful and when it is my time I would like to laugh.

p.s.  In the city  asking 12 dollars for a movie it is just too much money for people that are not mega rich to go to a movie...it is obscene and so much (not all) is crap yet makes big money in the global market.   Seems criminal to me...

p.p.s  I still have no blinds which is very uncomfortable and stressful, no place to hang the tp and towels, no shelves and drawers except in the kitchen so all my clothes and even small art works are stored there.  The freezer has 2 huge draws.  Wish I could store my clothes there too.

It is so hot maybe I will...just joking.